In the introduction to her compelling memoir, What Kind of Mother, Judith Sandler, whose father, Gilbert Sandler, was a well-known writer and historian from Baltimore, reflects on her childhood perception of family dynamics. She recalls, “By the time I was ten years old, I knew the family myth: We were a perfect family, consumed by what the neighbors and my father’s colleagues at the newspaper thought of us, ever mindful of the expectations for a family ‘like us.’”
The memoir presents a raw and moving narrative about her journey as a mother to her son, James, who began struggling with substance abuse during his teenage years and later received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. As he grew into adulthood, James resisted medication and fell deeper into his mental health challenges, leaving Sandler and her husband grappling for effective solutions. Over time, Sandler comes to recognize that her commitment to maintaining a positive public image and an unwavering family mantra of “just keep a-goin’” was often counterproductive. Even after she sheds the notion of an ideal family, she continues to face the complexities of her son’s reluctance to seek assistance.
Sandler weaves detailed vignettes from both her son’s life and her own upbringing, creating a poignant story that illustrates the emotional turmoil of raising a child and the realization that some issues cannot be resolved by parental intervention. As the title suggests, Sandler continuously scrutinizes her maternal instincts and finds a semblance of peace when she accepts that she must allow James to navigate his own path.
A Baltimore native currently residing in Maine, Sandler recently shared insights into the intricate process of penning her memoir.
Baltimore Fishbowl: In your preface, you mention that granting yourself permission to tell your story was a significant hurdle. How did you ultimately come to write and release this memoir?
Judith Sandler: Much of the manuscript came together while I was pursuing my graduate studies at Stonecoast, part of The University of Southern Maine. During that time, I was processing my son’s struggles with mental health, and I felt the weight of inadequately representing our realities. I recognized that glossing over the challenges he faced diminished the hard work he put into his recovery. Connecting with others through shared experiences is crucial, as storytelling fosters understanding. By honestly sharing my life, I believe we can alleviate some of the isolation that accompanies such struggles.
BFB: You reference Maggie Smith in the introduction. Are there any other authors who shaped or motivated your writing in this book?
JS: Flash nonfiction captivated me with its short, impactful chapters. Notable authors in this genre include Beth Anne Fennelly, whose work Heating and Cooling, An Irish Goodbye I admire, alongside Maggie Nelson’s Bluets and Rivka Galchen’s Little Labors. Additionally, Anne Lamott has been a significant influence; her candid portrayal of motherhood in Operating Instructions resonated with me deeply. I vividly recall wandering the aisles of Barnes and Noble on Reisterstown Road with James close to me, seeking a narrative that reflected my own, and finding solace in Lamott’s honesty.
BFB: Do you think that your upbringing in Baltimore and your family’s visibility made it harder to confront James’s challenges?
JS: Baltimore is where my roots lie, and it will always feel like home. Coming from a family with deep local ties, I grew up under the influence of my father, who held a certain amount of local prestige. As I convey in my memoir, there were high expectations for how my siblings and I were perceived. The sense of belonging in Baltimore felt akin to a small town; balancing my father’s expectations with the realities of raising children in a private school environment added layers of complexity to our situation.
BFB: What message do you hope resonates with readers grappling with similar circumstances?
JS: The message should not be one of self-blame. I acknowledge the genetic components of severe mental illness, and professionals have assured me that parenting does not typically trigger such conditions. However, I do believe in allowing our children to experience failure more often. I wish I had done so with James, as letting children face consequences can foster resilience in both them and their parents. Another critical lesson pertains to establishing boundaries; I had to resist the urge to step in and be a savior before James recognized the need to advocate for himself.
BFB: In your view, how does the silence surrounding mental illness and substance use issues complicate treatment efforts?
JS: At a recent event, someone inquired about the best response to someone sharing a personal story of struggle. I believe that the most valuable response is to reciprocate by sharing your own experiences; likely, many people have stories of their own—one in four, to be precise. Demonstrating empathy is vital in combating the stigma that surrounds mental health issues. Silence creates division; statements like “That could never happen to me,” only perpetuate the stigma, making it more challenging for families to openly discuss their narratives and explore treatment options.
BFB: How has James reacted to your memoir?
JS: It has taken a significant amount of time for both James and me to differentiate our respective narratives. Writers of memoir often have varying views on permission when the content intersects with family members. As Anne Lamott pointed out, “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories.” While I largely agree, I also recognize the importance of learning to stay within the boundaries of our individual stories. James has come to respect my intention to be open about mental health challenges and appreciates my commitment to sharing my truth.
Baltimore Launch
October 14, 7 pm – Redeemer VOICES series, 5603 North Charles
