Dear Eric: A few years ago, my daughter-in-law introduced a Friendsgiving dinner, which she hosts a couple of weekends before Thanksgiving. She invites her own family, since her mother has never celebrated Thanksgiving, as well as a number of her and my son’s friends.
I know this shouldn’t upset me, but it does. Growing up, I looked forward to my turn to host Thanksgiving dinner, especially after my parents and my husband’s mother passed away, and now that I have my own grandchildren, it feels even more significant.
While we do continue to have the traditional Thanksgiving meal, it doesn’t carry the same weight as it used to. Everyone has already enjoyed the classic Thanksgiving spread, diminishing the sense of occasion that once surrounded our celebration.
She often says, “Oh, you all are welcome to join too,” but I find it hard to embrace the idea. I can’t shake the feeling of resentment that after all the years I waited to be the grandmother hosting the dinner, it now feels like serving leftovers.
Could you help me see this from a different perspective or offer advice to ease my feelings of resentment?
– Leftovers Anyone?
Dear Leftovers: While this may not be the most comforting thought, I believe that there’s nothing quite like enjoying a plate of Thanksgiving leftovers the day after. Perfecting the microwave settings to warm up sweet potatoes without turning them into lava, while ensuring the turkey gravy stays just right, is truly an art form! While your experience might differ, it’s likely that the loved ones around your table wouldn’t mind enjoying a similar meal more than once in a month. In fact, they might even appreciate it.
More importantly, it’s essential to recognize that your daughter-in-law’s Friendsgiving and your Thanksgiving serve different yet equally important purposes. Ultimately, both gatherings are about more than just the food.
From what I can see, your daughter-in-law is creating the kind of gathering her family may have lacked in the past, while your Thanksgiving remains special for you and your family. You both have noble goals, and it’s important to remember that these efforts are not in opposition to each other.
What truly matters is having the people you love gathered around you. This is a beautiful gift you both can cherish. Focus on that, and you may find that the similarities in your menus become a delightful detail rather than a point of contention.
Dear Eric: Our son recently married his girlfriend of 24 years in a civil ceremony, primarily to facilitate her health insurance coverage.
He approached my wife and me and stated, “We’re not into social media.” I didn’t interpret this to mean we should refrain from posting anything at all.
To share this joyous news with my friends, I posted a single photo. However, late that night, he texted us asking us to remove it, saying, “We specifically asked you not to do this.” I replied, apologizing for not realizing he meant we shouldn’t post anything.
I feel uneasy about this because it appears my son thinks he can dictate whether I share this news with my friends. Many of these friends have known him for years, and it seems somewhat controlling for him to urge me to downplay this happy occasion.
Should I have refrained from posting and exercised more caution? Was my interpretation of “we’re not into social media” incorrect? I would appreciate your guidance on how to view this situation and how I can proceed from here.
– Deleted Post
Dear Post: While it might be nitpicky, I must point out that your son’s wording didn’t technically ask you not to post anything. His statement can be interpreted in many ways, so your confusion is perfectly understandable.
In light of that, your decision to post was not unreasonable. However, it’s wise to not dwell too much on his request (or demand) to remove the photo.
Yes, sharing good news with your friends is within your rights, but keep in mind that social media operates differently than word-of-mouth communication or even including the news in a holiday card. Once a photo is online, its life can take many unexpected turns. Even if all goes well, it’s understandable that your son and daughter-in-law would want a say over how images of their wedding day are shared. Deleting the post was a prudent choice. Consider it a learning moment and move forward from it.
If you have any questions, feel free to reach out to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.
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